Why communication is key to resolving marriage conflicts

This is a guest post by Susan Gonsalves

Communication is at the root of the most common reasons why couples argue. Further, the way to resolve problems is to understand what type of conflict is causing the disagreement and then discuss it based on that knowledge.

So says Christian Bumpous, LMFT, LPC, founder and therapist at Therapie in Nashville, Tennessee, whose specialty is working with couples.

“The analogy I use is like getting your tires stuck in the mud,” Bumpous said. “The way they are going about getting to a resolution is just spinning their wheels instead of digging in, making progress and getting unstuck.”

He added, “That’s the biggest mistake I see, but it is also going to be the way out and the way to do things better.”

Jason Fierstein, MA, LPC, is founder of Phoenix Men’s Counseling in Arizona with more than two decades of experience helping couples navigate relationships.

“No marriage is perfect”

He said no marriage is perfect, and the couples that do not argue probably have greater issues.

Fierstein said many couples avoid talking about difficult topics because they have never been taught how. “In their families of origin, they learned how not to deal with conflict.”

Therefore, it is critical to open the lines of communication.

“Make it a point to regularly discuss your marriage and the potential issues you are facing,” he advises his clients.

Bumpous said he uses The Gottman Method approach to couples therapy, which is designed to strengthen communication, cultivate trust and foster a deeper emotional connection.

He said, first, the couple must identify whether they are trying to figure out a solvable issue or whether they are dealing with a `perpetual’ issue.

Bumpous noted the couple can collaborate on a workable compromise using practical problem-solving that is clear and specific.

Perpetual issues are more difficult to resolve, he said.

“Rather than jumping to ‘Here is how we are going to fix it,’ it is more about understanding where each person is coming from – their perspectives—and having a respectful dialogue,” Bumpous said.

Where couples get “really stuck” is when they have conversations designed to solve problems too quickly, he said. “That often leads to one partner feeling misunderstood and misheard.”

3 common reasons why couples bicker

Both therapists cite household chores, parenting, and family/in-laws as three of the most common reasons why couples bicker.

When it comes to domestic chores, Fierstein said, women typically give more than men, resulting in one partner feeling as if the other is “not holding up their end of the bargain,” with housekeeping and child rearing.

Fierstein recommends the duo sit down and come up with a shared task list of daily, weekly, and monthly responsibilities instead of one partner assuming the other is supposed to do something and is just slacking off.

Looking at this problem as a perpetual issue usually reflects deeper ongoing differences, Bumpous said.

Referring to this as “the mess,” Bumpous noted that one person may just be more organized and cleaner than the other and it speaks to their differing priorities.

Also, Fierstein said, having conflicting views on child rearing is “often inevitable.”

He said compromising and trying to see parenting through your partner’s perspective will help create empathy and more understanding.

By talking about past experiences growing up as a child and sharing how they were raised, couples can gain a better sense of the reasons behind decision making and beliefs, he said.

Finally, dealing with in-laws is sometimes more than a stereotypical dilemma.

Partners must support each other, especially if one or both feel tension coming from the other’s family members or parents.

“Address the issue directly and get on the same page,” Fierstein tells his clients. “Decide what the next steps will be needed to remedy the situation.”

Bumpous said another shift in relationships occurs when couples lose touch with each other emotionally.

“Instead of a close, connected relationship, they have slipped into something more like roommates or passing ships; two individuals existing side-by-side but without real engagement or intimacy,” he said.

Fierstein also works with couples who, overall, feel their needs are just not being met.

Problems in marriage escalate when couples withdraw from each other and fail to talk about their needs and desires.

Communicate your needs on a regular basis

“For instance, if you need positive affirmation or praise, ask for it,” Fierstein advises. “Your partner is not able to read your mind. Choose to communicate your needs on a regular basis.”

Bumpous noted that conflict by itself, is not a bad thing. Often, it signals that both partners are emotionally invested and care deeply about the relationship.

He said his goal in therapy is to help couples not just avoid conflict, but to learn how to move through disagreements effectively and build a stronger bond in the process.

“Healthy couples disagree at times. It is a natural part of navigating life together. What truly matters is having the right tools and strategies to repair and reconnect quickly after conflict happens,” Bumpous added.