Is “normal marital hatred” a thing? – Health and Wellness Nashville

By Susan Gonsalves

Is normal marital hatred really a thing? Therapist Terry Real, who came up with the term, thinks so. In fact, he said, “It’s part of the deal…don’t sweat it,” and believes a couple can get through this “dark phase,” in their marriage as part of “the essential rhythm of all relationships—harmony, disharmony and repair.”

But do other marital therapists agree with Real? And what are indicators that a relationship may be headed in that direction or something close to it?

Although he feels “marital hatred” is a strong term, Christian Bumpous, LMFT, LPC, CDWF, founder of Therapie PLLC, feels it can point to something real: those moments in long-term relationships when you do not like your partner much. “Personally, I would not say hatred is a normal, long-term feeling that should be expected in marriages,” Bumpous noted. “Instead, there are waves of irritation, resentment, and emotional distance that can come with the territory.”

Cory Reid-Vanas, MA, LMFT, founder of Rocky Mountain Counseling Collective, said that when you break down the term, there is less shock value to i,t and it has validity. As relationships move out of the `getting to know you’ phase, “Our partners’ quirks and flaws do not always remain quaint and charming,” Reid-Vanas said. “They can become annoying, irritating, or challenging.” Reid-Vanas noted, “Marital hatred encompasses complex feelings that emerge over time within committed relationships. These complex feelings are real, normal, and need to be attended to individually and collectively.”

Is hatred ever “normal’?

While resentment is common in relationships and problems, and negative feelings can fester and grow, Jason Fierstein, MA, LPC, founder of Phoenix Men’s Counseling, does not believe hatred can ever be considered normal. Fierstein said the problem is that many couples are unable to appropriately and quickly work through conflict and distress and cling to learned patterns, which are often counterproductive and harmful.

“The idea is to learn how to break those ingrained patterns and communicate directly and collaboratively so resentment does not have a chance to build up,” he said. Bumpous said humans can sometimes overreact to the ebbs and flows of relationships. Part of that reaction can be impacted by what they see on social media.

“People are expecting rainbows and butterflies 24/7 when that is not a real relationship,” Bumpous said. On the flip side, he said, if individuals are stuck in contempt, fantasize about leaving, and feel emotionally unsafe, those are not just passing moments. “Contempt erodes respect and is one of the most dangerous signs in relationships that can predict its demise without real help,” Bumpous said. Once their idealized impressions fade away, individuals must work to accept the “whole” of their partners, according to Reid-Vanas. “That transition to reality creates emotions as it should,” he said. “They are feeling more critical or receiving more criticism, and there is a higher level of defensiveness within the dynamic.”

Power struggles, conflicts without resolutions, “walking on eggshells” in each other’s company, and a loss of interest in the other person’s world are warning signs that the relationship is headed in the wrong direction, Reid-Vanas said.

Additional indicators, according to Fierstein, include a constant lack of happiness in one’s relationship or marriage, moodiness, loss of sexual connection, frequent arguments about little things, and feeling avoidant of your spouse or partner. Fierstein, who works with men, said they tend to internalize their anger or resentment, which can lead to an explosion after “the pressure cooker blows.” It can also result in depression, including turning the anger or resentment onto themselves, he said.

How couples handle conflict

Bumpous referred to research by John Gottman, which found that divorce is not predicted by conflict itself, but by how couples handle it. “Many problems are perpetual, meaning they don’t get solved,” he said. “They get managed. That might come with frustrations. It does not mean something is wrong. It means you are a human in a relationship with another human.”

Bumpous said that EFT, emotionally focused therapy, is a helpful therapy modality with a lot of research behind it. He said during EFT, couples talk about moments of those strong, negative feelings as protest behaviors when a partner is angry or pulling away because they feel disconnected, unseen, and unsure if their needs matter. “Usually underneath a lot of that anger is hurt. At the same time, that is when it is getting tricky,” Bumpous said.

Repair is the most important relationship skill, noted Reid-Vanas, but it is not taught sufficiently or often enough, he believes. “Many times, people try to prove a point or win,” he said. “Instead of focusing on being right, concentrate on repair and re-connection—what really matters.” Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) is another technique that helps people come to a more “neutral spot” in their relationship – aiding them to remember the shared values and positive qualities that brought them together, Bumpous said.

As a first step toward resolving marital conflict, Fierstein suggests couples take a risk and try to talk as well as listen to their partner’s feelings. Each party needs to ask themselves whether they truly want to salvage the relationship or marriage. Reid-Vanas said he tells his clients: “If you are doing the work, you stand a chance.”